Stefan Keerssemeeckers

Koningslied or: What's up with Holland

Fri, 19 Apr 2013 20:56:00 +0200

You might have heard the Dutch are going apeshit over some ‘national song’ that was composed to celebrate the crowning of their new king: Willem-Alexander. Well it turns out this song was even sillier than expected. I’ve put together a (very) rough translation of the lyrics so you can ‘experience’ it yourself. The song itself can be found here.

Koningslied (King’s Anthem)

———————————

There you are

You’ve seen this moment often in your dreams

And here it is

The day that you knew who (sic) was coming is finally here

Are you ready?

Can one ever truly be?

******

There you are

Everyone has a calling in this life

You’ve done everything to prepare yourself

And here it is

You promise you’ll give it your all

Every step you took was leading to this

And look around you

We’re walking with you

******

Through the wind and rain

I’ll be standing next to you

I’ll protect you from whatever is coming

I will be there when you sleep

I’ll keep you safe from the storm

Keep you safe, as long as I’m alive

*****

(Rap)

One battle! Two lives!

We have each other’s back! Unbreakable!

One flag! Two lions!

Together, come rain or shine!

Side by side! Standing tall!

Proud as a peacock! This is our sound!

It doesn’t matter we’re small!

Our actions speak loud!

We won’t fall in an awkward manner!

For you, my child!

For my dad, for my mom!

For you, I’ll weather wind and rain!

And I’ll have your back!

I’ll wear a banner with your name!

I’ll believe in you, as long as we exist! (WTF!?)

I’ll build a dyke with my bare hands! (!)

And keep the water away from you!

*****

Let me know what you’re dreaming of

What your heart desires

I won’t rest until it’s become a reality

And if you ever lose your way

I’ll be your beacon in the night

I ‘ll lead you through darkness, to a safe port

I will fight like a lion

Until you lack nothing

I’ll keep you safe

As long as I live

*****

W for William

Three fingers in the air, come on, come on

The W for William is the W for We

The whole of Orange is standing side by side

W for Water, which we face without relenting

We make the water dry(!), and build dykes

W for Welcome

It doesn’t matter which god you worship

W for William

W for Waking up, eating stew (again, WTF!?)

Millions of football coaches who think they can do better

W for always wanting to Win

Whatever it is we do (!)

W for We are one

Standing shoulder to shoulder

That’s why we call:

*****

Through the wind and rain

I’ll be standing next to you

I’ll protect you from whatever is coming

I will be there when you sleep

I’ll keep you safe from the storm

Keep you safe, as long as I’m alive

Let me know what you’re dreaming of

What your heart desires

I won’t rest until it’s become a reality

And if you ever lose your way

I’ll be your beacon in the night

I ‘ll lead you to a port in darkness

I will fight like a lion

Until you lack nothing

I’ll keep you safe

As long as I live

I liked the AC/DC trailer, but Wing’s rendition of Back in...

Mon, 05 Nov 2012 21:25:17 +0100

I liked the AC/DC trailer, but Wing’s rendition of Back in Black really brings out the sensitive side in Call of Duty: Black Ops 2.

Dikke pret! Speelt allen gamerecensiebingo!

Tue, 16 Oct 2012 15:43:00 +0200

Bingo. Met een heleboel mensen in een muffe zaal zit je te luisteren naar een man of vrouw die – met een ongelooflijk zouteloze intonatie - nummertjes opnoemt. Per definitie hoef je nog maar één of twee cijfers als die zuurpruim – die al de hele avond alles wint omdat hij vijftien kaartjes gekocht heeft – bingo krijst. Iedereen hoopt, tegen beter weten in, dat het vals alarm is.

De haat voor de winnaar, die als een blij ei met een broodrooster van zéér matige kwaliteit terug naar zijn stoeltje loopt, is bijna tastbaar. “Die krijgt zijn vet nog wel”, houd je jezelf voor, “als die achenebbisje broodrooster binnen een week zijn gehele huis in de as legt!” Maar eigenlijk ben je gewoon een beetje teleurgesteld.

Een revolutie

Je raadt het misschien al: ik ben geen liefhebber van bingo, of kien als je beneden de rivieren woont. Als bingo een game was, dan zou je dus met een heleboel mensen wachten in een ‘multiplayer-lobby’ totdat één iemand plotseling ‘won’. Een loterij heeft nog als voordeel dat je er niets voor hoeft te doen, dat er niemand ‘ssssst’ doet als je begint te snurken en dat de prijs automatisch op je bankrekening verschijnt.

Gelukkig heb ik – na lang tobben - een manier gevonden om spanning in het bingospel te brengen! Bingo wordt namelijk weer enerverend als je het combineert met een andere ergernis: clichés die je tegenkomt in vele, vele recensies van videospellen. Ik ben er lange tijd mee bezig geweest (zeker een half uur in MS Paint!), ging er bijna aan kapot, ben mezelf meerdere malen tegengekomen en de man met de hamer ken ik inmiddels bij zijn voornaam – hij heet Bert.

Alleen maar winnaars
In ‘gamerecensiecliché-bingo’ moet je zélf op zoek om je kaartje vol te krijgen. Om het spel wat eenvoudiger te maken, heb ik gewacht tot het najaar omdat er dan een aardige stroom aan grote titels op gang komt.

Op deze manier probeer ik bingo ingrijpend te veranderen: van een spel met bijna uitsluitend verliezers, tot een activiteit met louter winnaars! De lezer kan nu eindelijk een pleziertje halen uit de saaie metaforen en suffe gemeenplaatsen die hem door gamereviewers van laag allooi voorgeschoteld worden!

De naam van bingo wordt gezuiverd; de spelers hebben een gratis spannend spel waar zij iets van leren; recensenten worden gedwongen om iets beter hun best te doen, waardoor zij beter worden in hun ambacht.

Graag gedaan!

Gamerecensiecliché-bingo is mede tot stand gekomen door suggesties van: @scpopa, @dennismons, @shmorkyy, @dassiearwen, @tweakjur. Zonder hun tomeloze enthousiasme had het langer geduurd om de meest schrijnende clichés te vinden! En daar zou ik bijna de suggesties van @ronschrijft, @junglejack_ en @GillianDN vergeten; dat nooit!

Desert... or entrepreneurial dessert?

Mon, 27 Aug 2012 14:32:00 +0200

My very own ‘Inspirational’ speech, inspired by Ian Bogost’s wonderful Banks are Brains keynote. It’s something of an exercise in making a stupid idea sound really great, using empty buzzwords and reasoning from a silly axiom. I hope you enjoy it, and *please* don’t let this inspire you.

For a global wasteland!
Good evening ladies and gentlemen. It’s nice to see such a pleasant crowd tonight! I admire a lot of people in the audience, although for some of you, in the last couple of months, my admiration was about… halved.

<Room for laughter>

A while ago, I was touring the great Mojave desert when suddenly, I was struck with a great idea. You see, the burning sun and the scorching wind – which struck me like that one time I put my head in a blazing oven to see if my lasagna was done – made me really thirsty! What a relief when we stopped at a gas station, to pick up large cups of soda for rehydration! During this trip, I learned a lot of things. I learned that Mountain Dew is actually pronounced like ‘Mountain Due’. Not as I, innocently mistaken, tended to call it ‘Mountain Jew’…

<Room for laughter>

I also learned that people may very well take issue with such an error of interlingual pronunciation. So, as I was laying in the hot, hot heat, tending a new pair of knuckle prints on my left cheek, I was – again! – struck! Only, this time with an idea. ‘I’m in a desert, and every gas station is an… oasis of sorts. And I’m having this idea of an oasis in a desert, so an oasis is also an idea! So, what happens when we turn ideas into oases?

<Dramatic silence>

What happens, ladies and gentlemen, is that every idea suddenly opens up exciting new commercial and creative possibilities! This is… a paradigm shift! Imagine the wealth of cultivating your own little ‘El Dorado’, surrounded by picturesque rocks and hostile, venomous lizards. Passersby will want to stop to make use of your ideas, they would be fools not to! But the true brilliance is that this desert philosophy radically adds incentives to launch ideas that don’t work out so well.

In some cases - not all of them! - a stagnant oasis, which is also an idea, that’s severely poisonous can be a valuable asset! More so than a refreshing one! Let this sink in! Every single unlucky, skeletal figure a desert traveller might see in the proximity of a toxic oasis will urge him to push on in the right direction. The direction of your sparkling clean oasis. Imagine the added value! A desperate traveller, who may have given up all hope before, turns into a happy customer! Or, as I’d like to say a ‘happier customer’. And a happy individual, who knows he has made the right choice in rehydration – in both a literal and spiritual sense – is not a stingy customer. This is key to harnessing the power and creativity of our ideas!

As a matter of fact: it’s about time we stopped treating the desert like our enemy - this is essential! If we are to take our oases to the next level, what better plan than to turn the whole world into an arid wasteland? This will provide opportunities for everybody in our increasingly global community! What gives us the right to deny unfortunate ’would be entrepreneurs’ across the globe their chance to foster their own ideas, to grow their own oases full of untapped potential? You might ask, what about the not so fortunate? What about the ideas that fail to blossom into lavish patches of green? Not to worry! Even if the desert swallows people’s livelihood, another – more successful oasis – from which any client may enjoy its cool drinks of water - is bound to pop up closeby! That’s the great thing about oases, which are also ideas, and deserts: they do not discriminate - ever! Tonight, I’m here, ladies and gentlemen, to urge you: expand this desert, make it go global. This is not just about personal gain, it is the decent thing to do to ensure a level creative and lucrative playing field for everybody! This is what I like to call Desert Power. I’m not talking Baudrillard’s ‘Desert of the Real’ here, ladies and gentlemen, I’m talking about an actual fucking desert!

<Room for applause>

I understand…

<More applause>

Ladies and gentlemen - Critics, I know their ways, may say that an oasis only looks good because the desert looks so darn rotten. But they are mistaken…

<Couple of seconds for the crowd to express their disgust toward the naysayers.>

They are gravely mistaken! The potential of our oases looks so good… It looks so good, it’s making the desert look miserable by comparison! This is no mean feat, as the only difference between a beach and a wasteland is the proximity of a sea. We must expand the boundaries of this desert, so that our children, and our children’s children may still benefit from the same kind of wonderful ideas we benefit from today. I also want to express my admiration for NASA, which is always pushing at boundaries so that in the near future we might take our ideas of this glorious desert one step further! Imagine the mind-boggling potential if we can push the power of our deserts… into space!

Ladies and gentlemen, what could possibly go wrong?

Availability of this speech is limited. Author was last seen driving a dump truck, cackling, heading in the general direction of the Sahel.

Drs P. - Dodenrit (Trojka)

Mon, 25 Jun 2012 16:47:00 +0200

I had an afternoon off because I worked a lot this weekend. Somehow(!?) this seemed to be like a good time to translate this classic Dutch song into English as practice. You can watch the song on Youtube, and sing along!

———————————————————————————————-

We’re riding in a trojka, through a forest vast and old

It’s minus 30 celsius, it’s winter, fairly cold

The horses are plowing through the snow, making a rasping sound

It’s nightfall in Siberia: no lions to be found

—-

We’re riding with our children, even though they’re a bit young

Through the endless forest, which features in this song

A shadowy and very labyrinthic ground

In which a man is lucky there are no lions around

—-

We’re travelling to Omsk, but the journey is so long,

That’s why we entertain ourselves singing a festive song

At the same time something’s moving, in the background

Something dark and something numerous, it seems a bit unsound

—-

They’re fairly far behind us, but I can see them though

It’s a whole heap of them, running quickly through the snow

And by running after us, they gain ground rapidly

Which could prove disadvantageous for this family tree

—-

The shadowy apparitions are running fast and keen

They’re running on all fours, and they’re looking very mean

They all have massive fangs, I can see them through the woods

It’s probably a pack of wolves, up to not much good

—-

The situation’s troublesome, but I don’t lose my head

I keep the spirits up by singing folk music instead

We all know the classics, and we’re singing the whole lot

While the wolves are closing in, in a steady trot

—-

It’s still 100 verst* to our destination

Our horses are still fresh and that calls for celebration

Pity that the wolves seemed to have come closeby

One can see the healthy appetite gleaming in their eyes

—-

We still act in a cheery fashion, singing on the run

But some action is required, are you sleeping brother John?

And in an inconspicuous way, my wife and I reflect

Please tell me quickly, who shall be the first one to ‘distract’?

—-

Igor? No, he plays the violin, don’t be so crass!

What about Natasha? But she’s the top of her class!

And Sonya? No, Sonya has such a beautiful alt!

Which leaves us with little Pjotr by default.

—-

So still engaged in song, I grab the little guy

He flies off the carriage, with a grisly cry

The wolves turn their attention to the little treat

84 verst to go, and everything looks neat

—-

We appreciate Pjotr’s talent to be a snack

Because of him, the wolves are temporarily of our back

And we rush forward, as in a nightmare so scary

Ayo, ayo, ayo, ayo up in the lime tree

—-

The howling’s there again, and our hope is badly burned

The wolves are upon us again, and now it’s Sonya turn

There goes the poor child, she was so cheerful and so sound

Still 68 verst, and in The Hague, there lives a count

—-

I’m still reminiscing and my wife she stops my tears

She says, oh look they’re here again, yes they are very near

Igor, it’s a pity, you won’t be a virtuoso

London bridge has broken down, 52 verst to go

—-

With Igor’s removal, we seem to avoid a horrid fate

But no, the wolves are back, and demand another plate

The death throes of Natasha, resound in our soul

The Lion and the Unicorn, 36 verts to go

—-

My wife and I are left, so we’re singing a duet

And If we’re very lucky, we might reach Omsk yet

Too bad, I have to offer her to the hungry pack

Only 20 verts and it’s the house that was built by Jack

—-

Omsk is now in sight, I sing confident, oh boy

I lose my balance while I’m jumping for joy

The wolves are feasting on my flesh, as I complain

‘Omsk is a nice city, but a bit too far away’

————————————————————————————-

*Russian unit of length, about one kilometer.

Dodenrit was written and performed by Heinz Hermann Polzer (Drs. P). I don’t own any of the rights whatsoever.

E3 2012: Sinister showcase

Fri, 15 Jun 2012 18:14:00 +0200

*This column has appeared in Dutch on Insidegamer.nl. I’ve translated it as an excercise, so if you can read Dutch, you’re probably better off trying the original.*

————————————————————-

We saw some nice stuff during E3 2012, but to be honest I viewed some of the press conferences with embarrassment. Brown-grey shooters are still hot this fall, and - I have to admit - I had some difficulty to see where the Battlefield 3-presentation ended and where Medal of Honor: Warfighter began.

Crysis 3 and Far Cry 3 looked nice - the colours! - but the latter one presented us with a ‘first-person sex scene’ (with a whole group of NPC onlookers, no less!), bare boobs, an exploding tiger, voodoo magic, hallucinations, 100 F-words and more silliness. Meanwhile, Dead Space 3 made some steps towards becoming the next Gears of War, actionwise, while the protagonists swore like sailors with inflamed hemmorrhoids. ‘Get the f*ck away from the f*cking drill! F*ck!’

E3 2012’s running theme, more than other years, seemed to be explicitly violent games. The apex was found in the carnage showed in The Last of Us. One crook lost his teeth colliding forcibly with a night table, while another one got decapitated by a point blank shotgun blast. ‘No, please don’t…’, he muttered, before his brain gave the floor, the walls and - presumably - the ceiling, a nice new colour.

Bad Taste

I found the lack of non-explicitly violent games a bit surprising. If I ignore the sports, karaoke and dancing games, that leaves us with Rayman, Pikmin 3, Super Mario Bros. U, Sim City and Need for Speed: Most Wanted. There were some more of them, ofcourse, but in the press conferences - the events everyone can see, which should be the showcases for the entire event and industry - blood was spilled like it was cheap lemonade. Viewers were bombarded with images you would expect at ‘cult film gatherings’ like ‘The Night of Bad Taste*’. Scenes that would make Quentin Tarantino blush were plentiful, and - apparently - meant for the mainstream, for everyone.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m not against violent games per se. It’s just that I would like to have more of a choice in digital entertainment. Based on this E3, the choices seem to be limited to: shooting in space, ‘f*cking shooting a giant f*cking drill’, shooting Locusts, shooting each other, shooting Afghans, shooting zombies, shooting robots, shooting redcoats (or strangling/stabbing them - what a relief!), shooting with bow and arrows, shooting ninja’s, shoot with Sam Fisher, shoot some aliens, helicopters, Russians, monsters, tigers, a SWAT-team, ships, deer, mechs, a different species of aliens, cars, ghosts, indigenous people, tanks, cops, more aliens, in a jungle, in a city, in a cave, on a boat, from behind chest-high walls…

This is *not* the choice I meant earlier. What if I don’t like shooting at all? We’ll hear lots of gunshots coming out of speakers, mingled with phrases like ‘F*ck you, cocksucker!’ or ‘Die, motherf*cker!’ Will this be the moment we’ll rejoice: “Hooray, gaming is now finally mature!”?

Ultraviolence, cursing and sex are not meant for children. But to assume a game that features these elements is automatically ‘mature’, seems to me like a grave error of judgement, ‘M’-rating be damned. To be fair, a lot of the images at E3 failed to show some context to the violence, nonetheless E3 2012 has proven to be a very sinister showcase for the games industry.

*Loose translation of ‘Nacht van de Wansmaak’, a Dutch festival for cult movies.

P.S. Some other people voiced their concerns as well, including Warren Spector, Matthew Handrahan, and Phil Harrison (well, sort of).

Column - ‘Social Media Stress’-stress

Sat, 12 May 2012 16:05:00 +0200

Dit artikel is ook te lezen op opiniesite ‘De Jaap’.

Afgelopen week verscheen een rapport, waarin gesteld werd dat ‘jongeren in de leeftijd van 13 tot 18 jaar lijden aan een serieuze vorm van ‘Social Media Stress’. Het onderzoek werd opgepikt door verschillende media, zoals het NOS Journaal en de dagbladen Trouw en Metro.

Vrij snel werden er ook kritische noten gekraakt, zie bijvoorbeeld de reacties van mediawetenschapper Linda Duits op het onderzoek, hier en hier.

Het onderzoek werd uitgevoerd in opdracht van de ‘Nationale Academie voor Media en Maatschappij’. Wat dat is? Het is

“(…) een idealistisch instituut dat beoogt burgers te ondersteunen bij het ontwikkelen van kennis, vaardigheden en mentaliteit met betrekking tot relevante mediaontwikkelingen, zodat burgers in staat zijn de media op positieve wijze te benutten ten behoeve van hun eigen professionele en persoonlijke doelstellingen. De Academie biedt trainingen en opleidingen aan specifieke beroepsgroepen, zodat zij de mediaontwikkelingen herkennen, begrijpen, toepassen en evalueren in hun eigen werkveld. Het gaat hierbij om beroepsgroepen zoals het onderwijs, de bibliotheek, jeugdzorg en hulpverlening, lokale overheden, politie en justitie, bedrijfsleven en maatschappelijke instellingen.”

Trainingen en opleidingen dus. Een opleiding tot ‘Nationaal MediaCoach’ kost €1.695,- en de instelling (een school of bibliotheek bijvoorbeeld) waar een afgestudeerde coach werkt, krijgt een keurmerk, dat overigens is ingesteld door de organisatie zelf. Er worden veel dure termen in de mond genomen, hoor! ‘Erkend’, ‘Europese regels’, ‘officieel’, ‘nationaal’, ‘subsidies’.

Accreditatie?

De website van de Nationale Academie beweerde bovendien - toen nog wel - dat de opleiding was ‘geaccrediteerd’ door het CPION, een instelling die opleidingen inhoudelijk bekijkt en vaststelt of het onderwijs aan bepaalde voorwaarden voldoet. Als dat zo is, dan wordt een opleiding geaccrediteerd; een diploma of certificaat van die opleiding officieel.

Nu wist ik aanvankelijk niet wat een ‘CPION’ was, dus zocht ik op wat dat precies betekenen moest. Een bonte stoet opleidingen claimde namelijk door het CPION geaccrediteerd te zijn. Onder andere een cursus ‘Tibetaanse klankschaaltherapie’, een cursus ‘ziektes genezen met kristallen’ en ander moois. Zouden dit nu werkelijk geaccrediteerde opleidingen zijn?

Navraag bij het CPION wees uit dat de ‘Academie voor Media en Maatschappij’ niet geaccrediteerd was, net zomin als de ‘Nationale Opleiding MediaCoach’ (mocht u twijfelen, de klankschaaltherapie en kristalgenezing ook niet). Wèl hebben de instellingen een zogenoemde ‘CRKBO-registratie’. Een woordvoerder van het CPION meldde dat deze zaken wel vaker door elkaar gehaald worden, omdat de twee verschillende toetsingen allebei door het CPION worden uitgevoerd. Maar ze betekenen allerminst hetzelfde.

Wat is het verschil? Volgens het CPION moet een instelling aan bepaalde eisen voldoen om BTW-vrij opleidingen aan te bieden. Er wordt gekeken naar de organisatie van de instellingen, maar de inhoud van de opleiding wordt voor een CRKBO-registratie eigenlijk niet getoetst. Zo’n registratie zegt dus niets over de kwaliteit van het onderwijs, of de waarde van een certificaat of diploma.

‘Officieel?’

In een doldwaze mailwisseling met Liesbeth Hop en Bamber Delver, directeuren van de Nationale Academie voor Media en Wetenschap, werd mij achtereenvolgens verteld dat:

A) Het verschil tussen ‘accreditatie door het CPION’ en registratie in het ‘CRKBO-register’ verwarrend was. Het CPION zou hierdoor in verlegenheid gebracht zijn. (Antwoord van het CPION: “Nee hoor.”) De claim van de Nationale Academie, dat zij ‘geaccrediteerd’ zou zijn, verdween niet lang daarna van de frontpage.

B) Het was per ongeluk! Het was nooit de bedoeling om de indruk te wekken dat de Nationale Academie ‘geaccrediteerd’ was, men wilde alleen duidelijk maken dat deze in het CRKBO-register stond.

C) Als men nooit de indruk heeft willen wekken dat de ‘Nationale Academie’ geaccrediteerd was, hoe verklaart men dan het persbericht (van 15 januari j.l.) waarin Bamber Delver en Liesbeth Hops de volgende uitlatingen doen?

“Bamber Delver, directeur: ‘Wij zijn heel trots op deze accreditatie, het betekent dat wij met onze opleidingen en trainingen een belangrijke bijdrage leveren aan de professionalisering van de vakgebieden ‘Media & Jeugd’ en ‘Mediawijsheid’ in Nederland.’

Liesbeth Hop, directeur: ‘De accreditatie bewijst dat onze opleidingen en trainingen voldoen aan de hoogste kwaliteitsnormen en recht geven op erkende certificaten. Op deze wijze bezorgt onze Nationale Opleiding MediaCoach bijvoorbeeld al meer dan 750 professionals een officiële status binnen het onderwijs, bibliotheek, mediatheek, jeugdzorg en het bedrijfsleven.’”

Dat betekent een registratie in het CRKBO dus niet: die betekent dat een instelling voldoet aan de voorwaarden om BTW-vrij opleidingen aan te bieden. En… als de opleiding zelf niet geaccrediteerd is, hoe kan de Nederlandse Opleiding MediaCoach dan spreken van een ‘officiële status’? En… waarom is het bewuste persbericht ineens van de site verdwenen?

D) Uiteindelijk komt men op het verhaal dat de ‘officiële’ status van het certificaat ‘MediaCoach’ wordt ontleend aan het feit dat de Nationale Academie in het CRKBO-register staat. Ik citeer:

“Nogmaals, de certificaten van de Academie worden uitgegeven door ons instituut volgens Europese wetgeving en door de Nederlandse overheid, daar komt dus de officiële status vandaan.”

Daarnaast meldt de Academie dat men het persbericht ‘achteraf graag anders had opgesteld’. Dat geloof ik graag! Men had in plaats daarvan ook even goed de regeltjes kunnen lezen. De FAQ van het CRKBO meldt:

“Het logo of beeldmerk van CRKBO mag u niet op uw website of in andere publicaties gebruiken. Evenmin mag u aangeven gecertificeerd of erkend te zijn. U beschikt over een registratie CRKBO waarmee u aangeeft te voldoen aan de kwaliteitscode voor kort beroepsonderwijs en deze BTW-vrij verzorgt en factureert.”

Verder hanteert de Nationale Academie voor Media en Maatschappij wel de gedragscode van de Nederlandse Raad voor Training en Opleiding (NRTO) – als leidraad – maar de NRTO gaf te kennen dat de Academie geen lid is.

Inmiddels is er alweer een nieuw onderdeel aan de website toegevoegd, waarin de Nationale Academie haar CRKBO-registratie nog maar een keertje toelicht, en om onverklaarbare redenen andere instellingen erbij lapt omdat ze zich niet aan de regels zouden houden!

Is dit een instelling die jongeren moet inlichten over media? Adviseert deze ‘Nationale Academie’ werknemers in bibliotheken, onderwijs, lokale overheden, politie en justitie(!)?

Some thoughts on Star Wars Kinect, critics, fans

Thu, 05 Apr 2012 14:26:00 +0200

Okay, blogs about the tension between critics and fans have probably been done to death. In light of some recent events, mainly ‘Retake Mass Effect’ and the ‘Kinect Star Wars Intergalactic Dance-off’ (Yes, that’s a thing), I’m still going to get through with this nonetheless.

Shocker! I always imagined Han Solo to be more of a rockabilly guy. It is silly. In fact, it’s so weird I sort of expected that colonel from Monty Python’s Flying Circus to step in at any moment. Sure, I like Star Wars a lot, I frown upon some of the peculiar changes George Lucas retroactively makes to his films (especially Darth Vader shouting ‘Noooooo!’ in Return of the Jedi, which in my humble opinion damages the drama of the scene) Compare this (new), with this (old). Sure, it sort of matches the ‘Nooooooo’ at the end of Revenge of the Sith, which is a neat thought in and of itself, but it also erodes the brooding atmosphere a bit.

Is it ruining my childhood!? (This is what people are *actually* saying about things like the Star Wars Kinect dancing and the change in the Return of the Jedi scene.)

Erhm no, not at all. I think the zany dancing is insanely funny - whether it’s intended or not. Star Wars has always been - to a large extent - for kids. Hell, George Lucas initially made his money off of merchandise rather than the film itself. Of all the stupid, stupid Star Wars stuff, Boba Fett busting some moves with The Village People is somehow the worst? Surely, this groovy madness is unprecedented!? Well… Not quite.

Now move over, man-children, and let the kids enjoy themselves. There’s plenty of Star Wars to go around for everyone. Stop hogging the ball, and get over yourself.

Oh wait, critics and fans right? Right.

A couple of days ago, I needed some information on ‘Cosplaying like a Moogle if you’re 6 feet tall’ (don’t ask), so naturally I headed for Kotaku. I stumbled upon some comments about ‘whether critics should retroactively change their review scores for Mass Effect 3, as Bioware itself has hinted at a change in the ending’. Well, well, well.

There’s been (and still is) a lot of friction between critics and fans of games. This is, ofcourse, not unique for the medium at all. I’m trying to talk in general terms here, so there can (and will) be some exceptions. I feel that critics (should) have a broad understanding and knowledge of the medium they write about. Fans, on the other hand, tend to focus on one particular franchise or company.

It is perfectly possible for a Mass Effect-fan, who spent 300+ hours with the crew of the Normandy, to know more about Mass Effect than a reviewer does. The same thing applies to a movie critic, who might know a hell of a lot about the Star Wars films (and more importantly, film in general), but not necessarily the ‘expanded universe’ comics, books, fan fiction (*gulp*) or whatever.

Do they need to? Does a critic need to know all the ‘lore’ about the subject? Ofcourse not, if only for practical reasons. An understanding of games as a medium, knowledge about precursors and rivalling titles should be enough to inform the public, except the most dedicated section of any fanbase. Critics can never satisfy everyone, nor should we aspire to. We try to inform. We don’t cater to die-hard fans (who are always haaaaardcooooore, remember?) who only want to see their own opinions validated, or show off their in-depth knowledge of a franchise.

This does’nt necessarily mean critics are ‘biased’, they write for different people, maintain different standards and are, in essence, in a different field. I understand this can cause some confusion. For a (good) critic, a new Star Wars game is just another blot in the cultural (gaming) landscape. For a fan, it is a much more important event. It’s important to remember that when critics don’t like something you like, this is *not* a statement saying you are (automatically) a dumbass*. This is *not* kindergarten.

* The ‘you are a dumbass statements’ will often appear after someone has sent the reviewer an all-caps, all expletives direct message or mail.

Some thoughts on 'Little Grey Men'

Thu, 29 Mar 2012 18:15:00 +0200

According to Xenophon, ‘Men create the gods in their own image’. According to Steven Poole, this might extend to man’s extra-terrestrial adversaries as well.

(…)Videogame aliens, it thus seems, should look either like giant Earth animals or like humans, bipedal and roughly anthropoid – because deep down, we like killing humans, and that is the operative constraint on xenomorphy. Aliens are just convenient stand-ins for people when we want to tickle an inviting sci-fi arsenal.(…)

There’s more to it, of course which you can read here (at the Edge Online). Great stuff.

Of course, there are some practical reasons for human-like aliens. Speaking from a gameplay perspective, it would be convenient if opponents have mastered the use of tools. Ideally, the player (i.e. the human) can obtain these tools and maybe even turn them against the aliens. Humans and aliens should probably fight on roughly the same terms. This could pose something of a limit on your creativity.

The player needs to receive some salient gameplay ‘clues’ as well. What is the enemy doing? Where is he going? Where should I shoot him? While a humanoid alien is not necessarily the most creative solution, it certainly is the most clear one. Shoot the alien in the leg and he might stagger, shoot him in the head for more damage, etc. I suspect this is the major reason for aliens looking so ‘darn human’. Mr. Poole praises Resistance’s sound design, for example when it gives great feedback when an alien monstrosity dies. Well, who knows how an alien would sound when shot through the head? It could very well hum the ‘Lambada’ for all we know, but a human-like reaction gives us the feedback we need.

The motivation of the invaders plays an important role as well. This is not necessarily a limitation though. Alien life-forms may very well have incomprehensible intentions. But for a ‘narrative’ to unfold, it is more or less crucial that these intentions are communicated in some way. A ‘cinematic’ shooter needs some form of conflict to get the bullets flying, more so than a medium that does not require actions from a player.

It seems to me that ‘Hollywood’-style shooters tend to involve bipedal, intelligent ‘aliens’ for some of the reasons above. Perhaps games that don’t try be a ‘gripping, cinematic experience’ are more creative in their enemy design, perhaps I might look into this at some point.

On a further note, Mr. Poole notes that aliens should either be huge monsters that remind us of dangerous animals (in real life), or bipedal human-like creatures. It seems that most monsters through the ages can be divided this way. Minotaur (rage), harpies (cruelty), werewolves (bloodlust), vampires (sexuality) and zombies (loss of personality) all seem to focus on particular aspects of the human psyche.

Being the most destructive species on this planet (or for all we know in the whole universe), it’s not strange we get to shoot ‘evil space aliens’ who look a lot like us.

Some thoughts on 'The Robert Bowling thing'

Tue, 27 Mar 2012 16:47:00 +0200

Yesterday evening, or afternoon if you live in the US, Robert Bowling announced his resignation from Infinity Ward and Activision via Twitter. Bowling held the position of ‘creative strategist’, and for some time he was ‘the face of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare’. Not a particularly thankful job…

When I started with this ‘games writing thing’ there was always the risk of flame wars happening under each and every article. The situation seemed to get better as websites, magazines and their audiences matured but apparently there’s a whole ‘new breed’ of rabid readers/commenters. Are these the same people that complain about games ‘not being taken seriously’? This might have something to do with the target audience of the games, namely adolescents. Fiercely (often dubiously) opinionated, always acting ‘hardcore’. On a light note: they will probably mature. On a down note: once this group has come of age, there will be a whole new batch.

What better way to celebrate this than to enjoy Scooter?

Apparently, Bowling told Edge that he would ‘return to the roots’ of gaming. This made me think about a Kotaku article I recently read : “What if the next generation thinks video games are stupid? (which they somehow managed to slip in between ‘Tips on wooing elderly Japanese women’ and ‘What if you cosplay a cosplay during cosplay?’)”

I’m not really worried about ‘the next generation deciding videogames might be stupid.’ What worries me is how the next generation might be trying to ensure videogames remain stupid. They have ‘a point to prove’ (Aaaaalwaaaays hardcore!), the numbers and a lot of time on their hands. I can imagine developers, journalists and other people in the industry getting tired of this. One can only take so much.

How Bioware is FORCING ME TO HATE Mass Effect

Tue, 20 Mar 2012 13:29:00 +0100

I’ve received some angry comments about my previous post, I’ve answered to most of them but they already ‘crusaded’ on to other people who question the sense in the ‘Retake Mass Effect’ initiative. If I’m not mistaken, one of them has been exclusively Twittering about the Mass Effect ending for a solid week. That’s… dedication. Let’s just leave it at that.

While I have some reservations about ‘Retake Mass Effect’, I still have some problems with the ending of the game. Be warned: Very heavy spoilers ahead!*

Bioware, I don’t understand that you decided to reveal Tali’s face (during the post-ending intergalactic pool party). Why does she look like Angela Merkel? Tali looks like a woman who Silvio Berlusconi - italics(!) for emphasis - called ‘unscrewable’! Not that I did not notice your personal vendetta against Italians, Bioware, oh no. During the mini-game that opens up after the game (Brave New Pizza Parlor, REALLY Bioware?) you turn the multi-trillion costing USS Normandy in a stealth-capable pizzeria? And where does delivery boy Garrus Vakarian (which sounds an awful lot like Italian!) even get his moped? None of this is making any sense!

Not to mention that I found the ending itself pretty disappointing. Mordin casually remarking that the universe is ‘actually shaped like a donut’, which causes the Reapers to retreat to the ‘restaurant at the end of the universe’(!) because they have a severe case of the munchies AFTER THEY DEVOURED AMSTERDAM? Talking about stereotypes! And when the dopey Shepard asks ‘how long will this peace last?’, Mordin replies ‘I guess about two years, maybe longer because our technology is advancing and that… erhm, is making the Reapers… erhm… realise they uhm… should be better prepared before they try again. And marketing says… Uhm, no. Yes!’ What is that about, Bioware?

Finally, what I sorely missed was a ‘football manager’ mini-game. I really wanted to see my favorite team (Willem II, FYI) win the Isenberg-Wyatt Toys Intergalactic Champions League! Not only would it be cool to have Shepard endorse this outfit (I’m commander Shepard, and Willem II is my favorite football team in the galaxy! Olé Olé, voor Willem II!), the challenge to make it win anything would be arguably greater than stopping the end of the universe.

These are the reasons you are FORCING ME TO HATE Mass Effect 3, and I certainly won’t be playing Mass Effect 4 or any DLC you put out next. I mean, it’s coming, right? Right? Well? Right?

*Okay, maybe not.

P.S. What’s up with all these aliens? I’m not even sure they really exist! WTF, Bioware?

Some thoughts on 'Retake Mass Effect'

Fri, 16 Mar 2012 12:17:00 +0100

I’ve been following the controversy* around Mass Effect 3 for the last couple of days. While I haven’t got around to play the game itself, I felt pretty much obliged to read about the game’s finale.

Apparently, brave, brave Commander Shepard jumps into a particle beam and disintegrates. Then - quite literally - everything explodes, if I’m not mistaken killing either everyone in the universe or almost everyone, effectively scaring off the alien ‘Reapers’ or killing them as well. But yay! If you made the right decisions, Commander Shepard still lives. Fate of the galaxy is not totally clear, brave new future, it’s a wrap. End of spoilers.

This might be pretty depressing stuff for longtime fans of the series, but hey: it’s Bioware’s game, right? Commander “Space Jesus” Shepard - sort of - saves the day by sacrificing himself, the threat is dispelled and there’s even room for a sequel. This is where it gets interesting, quite a lot of players have started a petition to alter the ending, proposing some more upbeat closure to this particular story. Immediately, Bethesda’s Fallout 3 came to mind. The abrupt ending of the game, or… definitive ending to be more precise, did not allow the player to continue his/her adventures in the environment he/she preserved/ruined. Bethesda fixed this in the Broken Steel-update, admitting the previous ending was poorly chosen. Changing the ending of a game via an update is thus not unheard of, although the content of Broken Steel - which chronologically takes place after the events of Fallout 3 - hints that this was planned from the beginning. It could very well be that Commander Shepard’s will be continued soon through additional downloadable content. There are also complaints about ‘plot holes’ in Mass Effect 3’s ending. In theory, there’s nothing that can’t be fixed in future DLC, be it through ‘flashback missions’ or an additional storyline.

The term ’gamer entitlement’ (or, more bluntly ‘spoiled gamer syndrome’) is being thrown around an awful lot. Until now, I’ve mostly encountered the ’entitlement’ argument in relation to systems like the App Store. For example: Gamers asking for free updates or levels, for a game they spent €0,79 on. If the studio is unwilling, or unable, to provide the gamer with this material, there’s always another (free) app to download. In this sense, smaller developers are at a severe disadvantage compared to bigger studios with deeper pockets.

I encountered something similar - to an extent - on the Star Wars: The Old Republic forums. At the time of writing, the game is missing some features that are present in other MMO’s. For example, the game could use a practical ‘dungeon finder’, the endgame content is a bit lean, etc. Reactions include “I hit level 50 after a week, and now I’m bored! WHY ARE YOU FORCING ME TO QUIT!?” MMO-forums are notoriously vitriolic, to - and sometimes probably far, far beyond - the point of travesty, but there are (some) ‘extenuating circumstances’. MMO’s require a subscription fee to play, in that sense players might feel more ‘entitled’ to being served. Of course, there’s also the factor of ‘realistic demands’, which one of the first things to be thrown out of the window in an internet environment.

Still, the Mass Effect case seems to differ a bit, because player’s aren’t asking for purely quantitative additions (like in the App Store), or quantitative and qualitative additions (like SWTOR), but it touches the narrative (artistic) merits of the game. To be fair: It doesn’t help that Bioware itself announced ‘very intricate endings’, and fans feel Bioware failed to deliver.

The - hilariously titled - ‘Retake Mass Effect’ can complain about the delivery of the plot, but I feel when it tries the change the ending itself into something happy, it’s going a ‘bridge too far’. Players might have sunk hundreds of hours in this game, and they get something they didn’t expect. But: Mass Effect is a series that has revolved around genocide on a galactic scale since the beginning, and now people are expecting an ending involving unicorns and rainbows?

‘Retake Mass Effect’ seems to have more in common with fans raging at the ending of The Sopranos. People really feel bad for what happened in Mass Effect 3, and I think that’s really a testament to Bioware’s ability to craft an environment, universe and saga players can invest in and care about. Still, it is Biowares and if they decide to let something bad happen to it, it is their artistic right. Fans may be anxious about the Mass Effect universe, but this is not the end of the franchise if only from a business perspective.

There’s certainly hope for disappointed fans (if not their wallets), this is probably not the last instalment in the series. Also, it’s not a question ‘if’ but ‘when’ new DLC will arrive. The handling of these expansions is now a bit of a sensitive matter. Knowing a bit about the forums - and (MMO)RPG-fans in general - any announcement of DLC that has to do anything with the end will also be met with fierce criticism (“What!? You listened to us? HOW DARE YOU LISTEN TO US!!??). Bioware is in a situation where it can’t do much good, either way.

*If controversy is indeed the best word for a very vocal, small minority.

————————————————————————————————————-

Someone contacted me, I’ve moved the question so the page won’t clutter.

Hi Stefan - I mean this in the best possible way: Your comments on Mass effect is a joke, Right? If not: it really puzzles me how you can write a review of something you haven’t played - oh, and btw - you got the ending wrong - there is one and only one outcome of the game … when BioWare call it the end - they really mean it - the Mass effect universe dies and Shepard dies no matter your choices through the game.

- Hi, ehrm… Anonymous thanks for taking the time to react,

The comments on Mass Effect are certainly not a joke. It is not a ‘review’ of the ending (nor is it meant to be), but I’ve thought about the principle of trying to ‘coerce’ (by lack of a better word) a videogame company to change the ending of what is, essentially, their universe.

It appears there are

A) some ‘formalist’ complaints about the ending, making it very unclear ‘what exactly happens’. Some of the events are not properly explained. The problem with this, is that it might be Bioware leaving some laces untied on purpose. Making people more interested in downloading DLC in which these loose ends are tied up. I ‘ve seen some hints to a DLC episode called ‘The Truth’, which sort of hints towards this approach. In a sense Bioware has done something comparable with Dragon Age 2, using an ‘unreliable story teller’ who may (or may not) be truthful in telling what has happened.

B) Complaints about the nature of the ending, i.e. the general ‘bleakness’ of everything exploding. While I can certainly understand the dismay of players who have spent literally hundreds of hours with the crew of the Normandy, Bioware is not obliged to have the Normandy crew save everything and fly off into one the many sunsets in the galaxy.

My main problem with the ending would be if Bioware charges players money for what’s supposed to be the ‘real ending’ of their game though…

I’m not sure the term ‘entitlement’ that’s widely being put on the petition is entirely fair though.

Hopefully, you have a better idea of what I meant with the blog post. If you have any more reactions, questions or remarks, don’t hesitate to ask!

Best,

Stefan

Artikel over Nederlandse indie-gamestudio Vlambeer, Het Parool -...

Wed, 14 Mar 2012 14:37:40 +0100

Artikel over Nederlandse indie-gamestudio Vlambeer, Het Parool - 3 maart, 2012

(Dutch) Article on indie game studio Vlambeer, Het Parool (Dutch Daily) - 3rd of March, 2012

Artikel over digitale kunsthandel Cook & Becker, Het Parool...

Wed, 04 Jan 2012 12:29:30 +0100

Artikel over digitale kunsthandel Cook & Becker, Het Parool - 22 december 2011

(Dutch) Article on digital art dealers Cook & Becker, Het Parool (Dutch Daily) - 22nd of December, 2011

Thoughts on ‘Writing for the everyday Player’

Wed, 23 Nov 2011 19:15:00 +0100

I’m not sure which one came first: the Edge column called Writing for the Everyday Player - might have missed that particular issue – or Dating Sims get Real on The Escapist. The first is an opinion article about game critics losing touch with a big part of their audience, i.e. ‘The Everyday Player’. The second one is an interview about the ‘lesbian dating sim text adventure’ called Encyclopedia Fuckme and the case of the vanishing entrée. Interesting article, but not something I would necessarily associate with the rank and file gamer.

Fair play: Leigh Alexander writes for highly specialized gaming media, for gamers ‘in the know’ of the gaming industry’s ins and outs. Still, even on those platforms her writing is pushing at boundaries - which is a good thing as far as I’m concerned. It’s unlikely ‘The Everyday Gamer’ is anywhere to be found near these articles. Problematic? Not necessarily – it seems every form of criticism develops an (dare I say?) ‘avant-garde’ of sorts: lauded by some, reviled by others and pretty much unknown to the majority.

What’s a catenaccio?

While this ‘gaming avant-garde’, which discusses “ludonarrative dissonance”, “feedback loops” and gender stereotypes has its importance, it seems to be forgetting to inform ‘The Everyday Player’ about what they’re discussing and why. By neglecting this, the avant-garde is essentially doing ‘Tep’ a disservice. Still, the modus operandi of writing for a general audience is vastly different.

I’m under the impression that the general (non-gaming) public can be interested in gaming and even some of its niches, if ‘the story behind the story’ is interesting enough. Personally, I would have loved to ask Mr. Bogost more questions about his work besides Cow Clicker, but the story was meant for a newspaper. The special was meant to provoke thought in the reader, not baffle him or her.

Perhaps a bit of a reversal is in order. Instead of cleverly slamming formulaic big-budget titles, focus more on the things that are interesting. For this to work, I’m trying to think up an analogy. If I’m writing about football (soccer, if you will) for an American audience I wouldn’t start by saying how catenaccio is totally lame, because:

A) ‘Whatthewhat-sio!?’

B) Because it’s well errrr… a lame aspect of football.

I’m sure people would just *love* to hear about this boring aspect of something they know nothing about! Why not talk about the Panenka-penalty or explain the wonders of ‘total football’? I do realize this is not unlike what Alexander is doing, just not for ‘The Everyday Player’.

Mind the Gap

I don’t believe retracing some steps in order to inform a wider audience about games and game culture is a bad thing, on the contrary. There is quite a ‘knowledge gap’ to bridge between those ‘in the know’ and the ‘gaming illiterates’. Ignoring this gap seems to be an updated version of “This is my favourite band, you probably never heard of it.”

This is my cat, Puma. You probably never heard of her.

Will an ‘elitist’ game writer who tries to inform a wider audience ‘fall from grace’? Be taken less seriously by peers? I hope not. But… it would seem quaint to tell a wider audience that a game ‘is great fun’ on one site, while lambasting about a silly plot, cardboard characters, dim-witted A.I. and so on, on the next web page. This could be a Problem. On the other hand: different media and target audiences can easily justify different criteria. I’m sure ‘gaming fans’ will cry wolf, but what else is new? Diversify.

Artikel over Sweatshop, Het Parool - 10 september 2011 (Dutch)...

Fri, 16 Sep 2011 12:56:00 +0200

Artikel over Sweatshop, Het Parool - 10 september 2011

(Dutch) Article on Sweatshop, Het Parool (Dutch daily) - 10th of September, 2011

Artikel over Minecraft, Het Parool - 2 augustus, 2011 (Dutch)...

Fri, 16 Sep 2011 12:48:00 +0200

Artikel over Minecraft, Het Parool - 2 augustus, 2011

(Dutch) Article on Minecraft, Het Parool (Dutch daily) - 2nd of August, 2011

Artikel over Ian Bogosts Cow Clicker. Het Parool - 2 juli,...

Fri, 16 Sep 2011 11:54:00 +0200

Artikel over Ian Bogosts Cow Clicker. Het Parool - 2 juli, 2011

Article on Ian Bogost’s Cow Clicker. Het Parool (Dutch daily) - 2nd of July, 2011

Tumblr

Thu, 08 Sep 2011 13:06:44 +0200

Als het goed is, post ik hier voorbeelden van m’n werk en dingen die ik interessant vind.